veloToze Challenge - Chileno Valley - Race Report
There would be 4 prizes, 1. First to attack, 2. Most aggressive, 3. The “Win”, and 4. Cara for being the only woman willing to risk the threat of rain.
Chuck Hutchenson -
If you don’t know by now, J Lee edits the "bleep" out of what I write, so if this sentence makes it, there is a 40/60% chance everything thereafter is something he put in, or something I made up because I am never sure what happened.
Intro:Bob Seger: Turn the Page
-On a long and lonesome highway, west of Petaluma
-You can listen to the cyclist moanin' out damn its gonna rain
-You can think about the win, or the loss you knew before
-But your thoughts will soon be wandering, the way they always do
-When you're riding for two hours and there's nothing there to do
-And you don't feel much like riding, you just wish the Sugarland was through
-Here I am, on Wilson Hill again
-There I am, like a tour stage
-Here I go, In the big ring again
-There I go, turn the cranks
-Well field started chasing all strung out on the road
-And they shattered before Marshal Wall shaking off the cold
-I pretend it didn’t bother me, trying not to explode
Did you make it this far without getting thoroughly cheesed out? I am cheesed, but let me catch you up by explaining this in 3rd person.
There was “extra credit” from Nor Cal Bike Sport to the actual start at Helen Putnum in Petaluma. At the shop notables were Isiah and Luke, super young kids who were pretty much bad asses, way more than you because if you reading this you probably didn’t show up there in the rain like they did. After a few minutes Levi Leiphemer rolled up. 2 minutes after the departure time Peter Stetina showed and 3 minutes later J Lee showed announcing “this is my ride, I can be late – so what?” Confused and scared we fell in line behind the fuhrer.
Rolling through the shittiest roads J Lee could find behind the truck-stops of Petaluma, bikes were caked with sludge, cars honked, hookers propositioned, and Levi flatted. Because of this flat, others chances of winning the ride were significantly increased. Unfortunately for riders depending on this mishap, the fearless leader J Lee stopped to comfort Levi. With no ride leader, riders would have to wait at Helen Putnam.
Once everyone was grouped at Helen Putnam, to include Biz Markie, Javier Sanchez and Eric Cinnamon, J Lee announced that Cara Fitchett and Johnathan Teeter were engaged. Cara smiled with pre-newlywed happiness, Teeter looked confused. We congratulated the couple and proceeded to hear the rules of engagement. The rules were follow J Lee for the neutral roll out, head out to some tree on a hill, turn, come back the way we came and sprint for the driveway we were about to exit. There would be 4 prizes, 1. First to attack, 2. Most aggressive, 3. The “Win”, and 4. Cara for being the only woman willing to risk the threat of rain.
As soon as the neutral Hutcheson I attacked.
And was immediately caught.
Before the group knew it they were climbing Wilson Hill, and BOOM! There were 9ish. All were breathing hard, but Hutcheson was the worst, sounding like some hairy dude in the last 30 seconds of a 70s porn. Tommy Lucas, that little fast, strong, mean junior kid came flying by, did the Lance look back, and said something like “Ughh.” Hutcheson almost cracked, but instead, put it in the big ring and attacked.
One lone beastie boy Hutcheson be, all by himself with nobody. The sun was beating down on the pavement top, Hutcheson pedaled hard to not get caught. The group behind led by Stetina and Leipheimer pushed on, but lost time on the decent of Wilson Hill. Hutcheson’s lead was stable on the rollers before Marshal wall, but plummeted significantly on the ascent. At the turn around, the solo riders lead was down to about 15 seconds.
A late for the start Jared Barrilleaux was chasing with furry catching groups and taking KOMs.
Halfway between the Marshal wall and the climb up the backside of Wilson, Hutcheson was caught by the quartet of Lucas, Teeter, Stetina, and Leipheimer. Stetina was clearly the strongest of the group, but Teeter was the first to attack after the regroup. Stetina immediately responded, pulled Teeter back and continued the effort up the lower rises before the final climb. Teeter lost contact.
Stetina continued to pommel the group, and on the final rise before the climb put in one last hellashish dig. Leipheimer covered, bringing a barely clinging to life Chuck with him. This final flurry dislodged Lucas, who was soon joined in a chase group by Teeter.
Once on the final climb up Wilson Hill, Stetina immediately attacked. Chuck lost contact with the duo, reconnecting about halfway up. Once the group was three again, Stetina accelerated again, taking Leiphemer with him. The two crested with around five seconds ahead of Hutcheson, and fifteen ahead of the Lucas-Teeter group.
Stetina and Levi Leipheimer were once again joined by a thoroughly cracked Hutcheson immediately after the decent. Lucas and Teeter were closing in on the trio while Stetina drove it home with some help from Leipheimer. Hutcheson sat on the back, hoping to stay on.
No less than two attacks were dealt out in the closing kilometers by Stetina, all of which were covered by Leipheimer. With the final meters closing in, Leipheimer sprinted around Stetina with a weakened Hutcheson on his wheel. Just before the line Leiphemer eased up enough for Hutcheson to take the win, with Stetina rounding out the top three.
Official Commissionaire’s Fine Report:
1 – Jared for being several minutes late and riding up to, passed, and through all but the front 5 riders! – 50 Swiss Francs
2 – Levi and Chuck both for having beards far more manly than anything the JLee can produce – 30 Swiss Francs each
3 – Adrian Tamblin for car-pacing all of the veloToze employees, veloToze friends, and anyone wearing veloToze; when no one was looking – 30 Swiss Francs per occurrence.
4 – Chuck and Teeter – For wearing their team kits – 100 Swiss Francs. Why so steep?, because these do this every Sugarland!
5 – Levi – For riding (and flatting) on a race tire so thin that the flat came from a sharp word someone muttered near him. – 50 Swiss Francs
6 – Luke Lamperti – For wearing his socks over his leg warmers…and I had so much hope for this kid J - 30 Swiss Francs
7 – Pete Stetina – For wearing his team kit – 40 Swiss Francs. Yeah I know he has to contractually…but Sugarland don’t care.
9 – This just in: the Fine to Adrian has been over turned due to him working his butt off for the group and helping out a ton.
10 – This also just in: Adrian’s fee has been assigned to the JLee for choosing what some whined was a crappy road, down to the start of the race
All pics Javi Sanchez and Adrian Tamblin
veloToze was born out of necessity by a group of dedicated cyclists in Sonoma County, California. We wanted to enjoy our ride in the rain or cold and still end up with warm, dry feet. Whether it’s race day, training day or just another day riding to the office, we hope you will enjoy having comfortable feet to push you forward.